I have always been Sean but since 2006 I have been, and always will be Daddy. There is nothing in this world that can hold the water that Fatherhood holds for me. It is in its truest form a blessing. But with all things in life, including blessings, there is the cold balance that keeps all happiness and sorrow deeply in check.

Last week I went on a cruise with the family. My mother in law was generous enough to take us all on a trip that would visit St. Maartin, Puerto Rico and Haiti while sailing on an enormous cruise ship that departed from Miami. We all enjoyed the trip but my two girls seemed to enjoy themselves in a way that was fulfilling just to watch. They spent the majority of their time engaging and playing with  other children from a surprising variety of nationalities and cultures regardless of language barriers. The played in pools, hot tubs, play areas, arcades, everywhere.

We started our trip on Sunday. On Wednesday Makayla got sick. She got so sick that during a formal dinner she threw up all over me (in my suit) which led me to run wild through the posh restaurant dodging and weaving through other guests formally dipped in suits, tuxedos and gowns trying to make my way to the bathroom. We attributed the illness to overexposure to the sun and let her rest for the next few days. On Friday we docked in Haiti and Malaya’s spirits seemed to be normal enough to take her out to hang out at the beach. Withing twenty minutes she was asking me to pick her up and quickly thereafter wanted to lay down. A few seconds later she has passed out.

Fuck.

Ann Marie was able to flag some help and I jumped on board a small John Deere Gator type vehicle and zipped back to the ship with her precious body limp in my arms. We re-boarded the ship quickly and hustled down to the ship infirmary. At this point Makayla had begun to come-to and was acting extremely irritable and uncooperative with the doctor. After a brief check-up the doctor determined that she probably had a slight ear infection and gave her some antibiotics. Since her behavior had improved so rapidly we were all feeling very relieved. We docked back in the States on Sunday and headed back home.

Makayla’s behavior was very strange through the next week. She would have small fits of feeling very ill, showing a fever and getting nauseous. On a rare occasion she would seem to fall asleep rapidly.  She was brought to the pediatrician often with each visit lacking a clear diagnosis due to her quick recovery and seemingly normal, healthy behavior thereafter. On Friday she passed out again. This time she fell out hard, her eyes were rolling back in her head and the color in her face was changing. Luckily Ann had already decided to bring her to the pediatrician when things started turning really bad. An ambulance was called and  Makayala was rushed to Wake Med Children’s Hospital.

When I arrived at the emergency room straight from work I didn’t know what to expect. When I burst open the door I saw my Kayla-birdy looking up at me, reaching out with her little arms. As bad as she looked to me, I was assured that she looked a world better than she had just twenty minutes before-hand. She was admitted and quickly began a wide array of tests and scans to try and pinpoint what she was suffering from. As the hours passed, Makayla began to be affectionately referred to as “Our Little Mystery” from the variety of doctors, residents and pediatricians that came through to see her. I wasn’t really down with that nickname. As each test came back in we knew no more than we did on that stressful day in Haiti. Her demeanor and personality slowly began to rise to the surface and after a few days in the hospital she was back to her normal, goofy self. The neurologist and doctors that were in charge had deduced that she probably contracted a nasty virus from another country and her immune system wasn’t equipped enough to fight it properly. But they weren‘t completely sure and we would probably never know what had caused this sudden and extreme illness. We would have to keep a close eye and take careful note of any strange behavior and if she passed out again we would call 911 and start over again.

Guh.

So, that was stressful. Worrying is wrenching. She is looking and acting like her normal self although she had behaved this way in between the last few spells. I am crossing my fingers and keeping a close and attentive eye on my girl.  As a parent I feel I should be providing relief, reassurance and affection to my girls when they are in need. In the end it was Makayla that had proven to be the most resilient and was the primary source of laughter, comfort and hope while bearing the responsibility of being a three year old sick patient in the hospital.

Makayla is an amazing bird and there is nothing more gratifying than seeing her fly around at home with her sister, laughing and playing. She is going to have to give her old man a few flying lessons. I’m starting to forget a little.

You are an amazing little girl. Your daddy loves you Makayla Rae.

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